me down

All my life i've been trying to blame someone, something, for the way I feel
I've tried a million different ways to look at things, to justify them, but honestly I don't think the people or all the stuff that happens around me have responsibility on this
It just piles up and I "choose" to look at it this way
The thing is, I think, I honestly do, I think I try to fight it.
But ultimately, I will always feel like shit no matter what is going on in my life. Some times I just feel shittier longer than others, that's all.
I have this thing where I crave for happiness and I nostalgically travel to places I've never been and people I've never really met trying to think of a time when I wasn't broken. Except that it's like I've always been. And try as I might, I can never explain this to anyone. Or can I? The way I see it, ultimately people have their stuff too, and they have things to deal with and bills to pay and dinner to make and I mean, how long will they stay beside me? Enough to let me finish talking?
I guess some could really, but I don't want to be that burden for anyone, 'cause I'm a little sick of those who don't realise when they are taking much more than they are giving.
Why is it that somehow the people who demand less are the ones who restrain themselves more for not wanting to cross the line, and the people who keep using your willingness to love them are the ones who don't notice at all when you need their love? I mean, one thing leads to another but it really should be the other way around... Wtv
What I've been thinking about, really, is that I still love '90s' sad songs
and that I miss the way some friends used to show they loved me simply by allowing me to be myself, pure gold and pure shit, and showing me they wanted my presence, they cared for my company.
and that it makes me sad to think the way I lost some people, even though they're so close, I still can't touch them like I could, with a warm hug anytime.
I've grown feeling that I'm clingy and that shit has made me more self conscious than anyone could ever imagine, but that's that and when people make me feel like it's okay to spill out what ever form of love I feel for them they begin to agree with me and after a while they just get tired of the way I go out of my way to see them happy.
And that just sucks
And it just sucks that I feel this way, and that there have been so little moments of happiness in my life that I actually don't regret
And that I got hurt in so many different ways and that I can't find a person willing to understand me, and love me still without seeing me differently, and without judging me. Because everyone does, it's true, but we should learn to speak in the name of love and tiptoe around people's feeling like they were cotton, because in reality, they are. They are as fragil as it gets. And there's enough hurt in the world for me to be causing more.

So I suck it in and count to infinity. This is my life and nobody's gonna save me. But I keep wishing someone will come along and for a second turn around and realise I need help saving myself. As long as they know what it's like, it's okay. As long as they don't feel awkward, it's okay. Because all I really need is to feel comfortable enough around someone to be who I am when no one's watching. Someone who doesn't get scared with that and somehow can tell me I'm beautiful in a way I think it is possibly true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HJ9NUC9M0U
whatever, I'll edit tomorrow